Sunday 29 March 2015

I hope she would have never done this...

Gumraah - End of Innocence. This is a show which tells about teenagers
taking the action which they should not have taken.
So the episode that made me cry.
There was a happy family One elder son,
One younger sister the best sister,
One papa, One good mummy and
one bad grandmother.
Grandmother here is the mother of the father.
The father always wanted that his son should be a sports man.
Well it was because his father wanted to be a sportsman.
So it was like father making his dream come true through his son.
Like if father couldn't be a sportsman so his son would become.
And the child kept complaining about the pain in his lower abdomen,
like in the stomach.
But parents kept ignoring it like if there is no problem.
But one day when he was playing a tennis match in the tournament
and that was it he felt unconscious and he felt down in the court.
He was then taken to the hospital where it was like a very shocking
news for the parents. His one kidney had become dysfunctional and
other was like very critical or very severly damaged.
I'm Sorry I didn't remember the exact medical terms.
But he was on dylasis, and it was horrible that you
could not do anything.
So you can imagine the conditon??
The family felt broken.
But the ugly part was his sister was ignored continuously.
She was so kind so much beautiful.
She was very small like 10 or 12 years old.
She was constantly ignored at home.
Her grandmother always scolds at her.
She was held responsible by her grandmother, for her brothers health.
I mean how could she be responsible for his health.
What she had done??
Whats her mistake in life?
Do you know she was selected as a prefect in school.
She told her brother.
Her brother was her best friend.
She shared all her happiness with him.
They were best friends na.
But she was constantly ignored, in her own home by her own family members except her brother.
She felt less important.
Her self esteem was getting low. She felt that no one cared about her.
And eventually at the hospital her sweet brother was fghting between death and life.
His father also said to doctor to take out his kidney and give it to his son.
But see the fate he can't because his father is having high blood pressure So you know...
And they were really having shortage of money.
They were cutting everything.
That mature young girl said she would stop going to tuition classes.
Her mother resisted but they didn't have money so ummm... she stopped going there.
No one had ever felt whats going in her mind.
What was happening to her.
She had developed a kind of defence mechanism for herself.
Like she had a friend in a school, they were good friends, they had lunch together,
so her friend told her that her mother told her that her brother is ill too much.
She said No. He'll be alright.
Her friend said her mother doesn't lies.
That nice girl the best sister she said I've got a better idea.
Let's not talk to each other.
So then she kept to herself only.
She was so much killing herself inside.
She had that feeling that because of her only her brother is in hospital.
I don't know from where she had grown such thoughts.
And one night her father kept weeping and came to home.
All the money had vanished everything is empty.
they don't have money left.
So....
The sweet little sister heard everything.
She was sitting there on the staires.
And she became so upset.
Like she really want to help her parents.
She does something which should not have been done at that time.
She drank the bottle of poison and ended her life.
She felt that she is not at all important.
You can imagine the condition of the family. The parents.
She didn't realize she was so much important for the family.
She was also the part of the family.
After two months of her death her mother found the suicide note.
Written by her "Mummy - Papa please give my kidney to my brother and bring him back home.
I'm sure one day my brother will become good sportsman."

Parents should treat their children equally.
Children are sensitive.
They leave signs before commiting suicide.
Please Please see it.
They keep to themselves.
They build a kind of defence mechanism like to protect their ego.
And you will never know it.
I know how it feels like.
No one cares for you and you cannot trust anyone.
Pleasen listen to them.
Don't ever ever ignore them.
They are precious.

Why can't people understand??

I live in a world today where no one cares about others.
I also feel like that no one cares what I feel.
What I think is to myself only.
Eveyone wants to earn money and save it..
Enjoy the luxuries of life.
It's just my intitutions and feelings that when a person
earns a lot of money and you know he is not a good person so I
think that the person spends his earned money on sex.
High class escort services and prostitutes.
I really don't understand why people do such kind of things.
You know this so called rich people are actually rich menace.
Are their feelings dead??
Or they don't feel anything just because their feelings are dead.
This episode on crime patrol and yep I cried like everytime I do.
I cry on regular basis.
I really cry while taking the shower, it's the best thing to cry like this.
No one can see me crying.
I cry so much by watching this show.
Ummmmm...
So in this episode a girl, she was 15 years old and she was missing.
If she had been missing all life it would be better but that's cruel life.
Her father had a shop of vegetables.
A small shop and he used to sell vegetables.
And he had son also, I don't know his age.
Her daughter used to live with her grandmother from the age of three and she was really happy there.
Her grandmother was nice to her.
They were living in a small village.
She was happy there and she also used to go to school there.
So her father took her away from her grandmother when she was thirteen.
She didn't want to go with her father.
She resisted but her father took her away.
Took her away from her grandmother.
What he said her was that it was for her betterment, her well being, better education.
So ummmm this was terrible.
That was actually the part of plan.
She was a nice girl but her father had different plans for her.
Her father brought her here so that he could sell her to make money.
He and his friend sold that girl to old men so that they could have sex with her and ummmm.
She used to vomit after sex.
After this incidence she was being sold to brothel.
Where you know... So she was in the bus and she somehow escaped from there.
When she was found the policemen asked her why she didn't tell her mother and what she said was really cruel things.
She said that when she said to her mother that she didn't like this she feels like vomitting.
So her mother said that if you have done it then what's the matter in doing it again.
She was such a cruel thing.
She said that money is necessary for family as brother is studying.
See no one cares about her and what she feels like.
Now the girl is in rehabiliton centre ummm called as CWC.
I think they will take nice care of her.
She would be happy there.
She would get rehabilated and soon she she will be between nice people.
I just cry... nothing else.
Tears are waste.
I do cry  very much.
Ummm if you remember the day when I wrote the message that I cannot trust anyone.
This was it...

Barfi...

It's a movie I watched yesterday.
It made me cry and sad.
It gave me a definition to love.
What love is really?
For that girl love is when you take care of each other.
Live with each other.
You are happy with each other.
And then you spend rest of the life each other.
And then die one day, in each others arms.
I don't know that thing.
Maybe I'm not that mature to understand such things.
Do you know if I'm staring a girl.
She could easily recognize that the staring is not out of lust.
It's something else.
I really don't know the answer as well.

Do you know every time you make compromise in your life.
You love someone else, you marry someone else.
You both love each other.
And because of this society.
You marry someone else.
You are actually making your future secure.
A girl's parents like her to be married to a guy who is rich.
I mean you really make wrong decisions in life.
People marry with whom the find their future secure.
I mean you are going to marry who has got a good salary, good job, good reputation.
And all the comforts.
But the main thing is love is missing.
You both speak but still there is silence.
There is a talk between you but it is just formal.
Love becomes show off.
You are lost somewhere, under your name of the husband.
You are worried about only the status of the society.
You don't care about love.
You care about what people will think.

If you are really searching for a husband with money, good reputation, a sophisticated person in this fake society.
It's the biggest you are ever going to make.
You are lost somewhere with your brain that you don't even realize to listen to what your heart says.
Just listen to it once.
Forget about this society.
Just live your life with love.
If you find love, Happiness will always follow you.
May be salary will be low.
You would not be able to travel in business class.
Maybe you would have a small moped.
Maybe you would not be able to go to five star restaurants.
But you'll love each other.
No matter how your lifestyle is you will be happy.

And the guys, who are important in shaping in this fake society.
I really do think that not some in fact most of the guys sees girls as a sex object.
I don't know why I have such feelings but that's true.
A guy is going to marry a girl I think for sex only.
I don't know may be I'm wrong.
But when it comes to feelings in guys I really hate that part.
Although guys are okay.
I don't know about the girls.
Maybe some of the girls are like that too.
Use the guy for money.
Then it's over.
 Maybe I'm wrong about the guys and girls.
But it's my perception.
So please don't mind.

But just find a true love.
I know it's really  difficult to find.
And It's rare actually.
But don't follow the norms which society or parents sets for you.
Live your life.
I know it will help you.
I bet on it.

A confession of past..

Today is 18 September 2012,
My old friend's birthday.
I was in college wished him through the the phone only.
I talked to him, it felt good. The past we talked about.
The future plans.
On that day I went for a movie with my college friends.
The name of the movie was "Barfi".
It was a emotional movie.
Made me upset.
I cried it reminded me of something.
I was so much traumatized. I was in deep pain.
I was not able to cry even.
I cannot cry in the class.
Not in front of my friends.
They know I'm sensitive.
There is a kid in my neighborhood.
He is autistic, He is special.
He comes to my home.
I remember, I hurt him once.
I was a menace.
I didn't care for his feelings.
I was not patient with him.
I hurt him.
I hurt him because he was not able to express.
I was there hurting him.
Crushing his hand.
I'm feeling guilty.
I know there is no way to repay it.
Today when I was sitting in the lecture classroom it came like a flash to my mind.
I was feeling so much guilty.
I could not explain.
I was feeling like that I was using my power on that little hands.
There was no mistake of him.
Why would he do any mistake?
I didn't enjoy hurting him.
But why would I hurt him?
I was a bad person at that moment.
I was a menace.
I'm asking God to forgive my sins.
I repent.
Please God forgive me.
Show me your path of light.
Show me the way to correct that mistake.

Don't eat what your soul dosen't accepts...

Day before yesterday, We were at the small cafe. I ordered the chicken sandwich there and one of my friend came who was pure vegetarian. I said to him don't eat it. But he put that sandwich in the mouth.
So I don't know why??
I'm not feeling guilty. I want to feel guilty.
I also didn't apologies to him.
May be I should do him.
But after this I will not have courage to face him. So Lord what should I do?
Loose my friendship forever or just be the kind of fake friends?
And I have dream today, at 08:26 p.m.(that's the time when I woke up).
I saw that I, my school friend, and one of my friend from my colony, we were drinking, and I saw that he was cooking chicken(Isn't that weird) or it is that only I'm making it weird to appear.
I don't know..
He said that he has not eaten non-veg for the past 20 years.. and due to me I ate it..
I don't know..
About my mind.. I think it's weird..
very weird.
~Thank you

I wish I could give back your life..

Today, I visited Domino's with my ex-roommates probably my closest friends here..
Firstly, we get down at subway..eat our subs..
Then we felt that such we haven't ate anything. So one of my friend went to Domino's and there..as we were waiting for his orders to come. There I saw a lady of mid thirty's or early forty's there.She was beautifully dressed, wearing salwar suit.
I could see her eyes covered with eyeliner. I could see her face having mild make-up.
She reminds me of something. She was with her family. A joint family.
She went behind the table. She was standing and reading the views/comments of the people about Domino's. I didn't write any of my comment there.
May be I have written one. And she could have read it.
She was keeping herself busy with other activities, and not involving herself with family matters.
What was it that was worrying me?
May be reading the above lines you would feel that I was attracted towards her.
I wouldn't deny this also.
A mere spark of attraction was there. But it was not sexual.
That was a feeling of care. Care for the human.
I was afraid of talking to her. Afraid of this world. Afraid of what people might think.
I see feeling of depression in her face.
I could see she was forced to live such kind of life.
Life which she did not love.
I could see she was not happy.
I could see the fake smile on her face.
I don't wish to see this again.
Who likes to see this kind of smile?
I just wanted that she could have life what she wants.
I wish I could give back her life....

That Girl... In Yellow boots..

All this men, men of all ages, are pervert.. I don't know Why??
Why are they pervert?
Why are they so desperate to Fuck?
All they want is FUCK!! And that's all.
The father fucked her 15 year old daughter.
And she killed herself.
And then he wanted to have sex with her another daughter..
And he said that he loved his daughter..
This all world..
This men living in the world why do they want to have SEX?
What is the matter with their harmones?
Why cannot they say just NO to a woman who asks them??
The bastard, moron... was a regular customer to massage parlor and when he was asked to have a hand job.. he said YES... What if he could have just say NO..
That would made such a large difference..
If he is so much desperate to throw out his fluid... then why just he masturbates himself??
I don't think that to have sex should be banned.. or people who are reading must be thinking that I'm against sex..
but that's not.. I only want that do sex willingly without any bet or in exchange of something. And both the partners should agree to have sex.
sex is not done to throw out your frustration..
Sex should not be done against anyone's will.

A Pedicab driver

A Pedicab is also known as Rickshaw..
Yesterday around 5:30 p.m. I and my friend hired the rickshaw to visit the mall.
I talked to him..
He said that he is earning Rs. 3800 by working in hostel mess, and after that he drives the rickshaw..
I don't know how much he earn extra by driving rickshaw.. but I think probably 2000.
Then he told me that his first son died..Don't know how much years before he died.. but it is sad when someone is dead.
He said he lives in campus only on rent of Rs. 1000
He told us about his second son, he is small... because he was worried that how much would require when his son would study?
He told that his son was ill and he had spent a sum of Rs. 50,000 to Rs. 60,000 in his treatment.
He is in debt. Everyday prices are hiking.
That day I realized that "A person earns only that much in which his needs would be fulfilled"
But I'd like to rephrase this  above statement like this "A person adjusts his spending's and needs by his income, whatever he earns he has to adjust in that only"
I personally think that the earning of persons who does physical work and sweats should be more than the earning of person of who uses his mind.
I don't think that's going to happen!!

Society...

I don't know why people harm each and every one.. why do they hurt each other..
These all hypocrites..
People Don't do wrong.. Don't hurt anyone..
Why do you do such bad things to others.. And they in return why do they do bad things to others..
This chain this didn't going to break..
I really regret why did I grew up?
Why can't I remain child??
I'm growing up everyday... I think I'm not ready to face this SOCIETY.. this unreal SOCIETY.. full of lies..
Why are there partitions everywhere?
I want to live off this world but not this place..
I don't know that I'm living OR I'm dying each day.
but I know I'm growing each day.

A friend...

Today is 29 October 2011, and I'm returning to my college, to the hostel, all these days spent like a flash of light, I slept most of the time of the day. It is so amazing when you are in home with the family members. Now the time is 9 PM. I met my friend in my hometown. 2 hours ago a man of age between 50 to 60 was on the berth beside me and he was reading the diary which have quotes in Hindi.. And the poems. It was interesting to find that he was having such interest in reading poems written by him only. Today at 1 PM I met my friend Abhishek.. He is a good friend of mine.. But I don't know why he didn't like to meet his friends. He said he didn't like to show up. He said he have nothing to talk about. I don't want him to be like that. He represses his thoughts. I just want him to comeback, to become as he was earlier. He would be the same person if he would have been with me. But that's not possible. What I wrote just now, makes no sense... It's not worth for reading. But I just need to write like that.... I never wanted to express my thoughts by writing... I just like to tell someone, but may be he is not interested in the conversation. I know, you will feel like this someday.. When you have so much to express and no one is near you to listen..

Why do we celebrate??

Today is 26 Oct. 2011. And the biggest festival of India, "Diwali". I went to shop to buy crackers with my father. Why do we buy crackers?? To celebrate... But what is the reason to celebrate?? I don't have any reason to celebrate it. But i think it's just a tradition. To burn crackers and to produce sound. I see so many happy faces on this occasion. But that all thoughts..they are not disappearing out of my mind. I think i should stop seeing.. I see all the hypocrites. Its just weird. I think i should be isolated from the society. That surely means I do not have right to live in this world. This happy world. I need to get out this world. I really don't know what I'm going to do. Its so depressing. I'm feeling so depressed. I think its because I'm repressing too much. I just want to support people... I want to motivate them to some good. May be i will be able to motivate them, to do a good job. I just sleep some time because may be I'm afraid of facing the real world of liars, fake people, hypocrites.. I think sleeping recovers some of the energy. I feels sometime to be in sleep always. I'm becoming lazy and obsessed.
And I'll be never able to understand human nature, animals are better, they are not fake. They are good.

A Couple...

A happy couple couldn't be always happy...
These all ups and downs in life couldnot enclose the togtherness between them always...
We always see the dream or atleast think to make our partner happy..
Make the day full of exicitement and surprises but our hope gets melted...
Lost somewhere...
And when ever we try to search the hope, the darkness is there in front of our eyes...

So did our love for our partner gets decreased??
The answer lies within us,
and it is yes.
but..
What we always try is to satisfy our mind by saying...no...
This no,
what could it do??

The metro city

This was written when i was in Noida,
sector 17
at Christmas of 2010
26/12/2010
Life is struck and fast here..
We could always expect better life here..
But actually it is worse here..
It is easy to write that I'm living in Delhi, Noida..
But when we are here, we see that life which we always dreamed of,
so how would you feel when the foolish wish will come true..
We say we live a life here but i say we adjust here..
For even a distance of 8 k.m. Metro is used... What can we do??
The traffic as well is not suitable for driving two wheeler,
we have to be expert.
The guys and girls  here,
their arrogance as well as their attitude level could be easily determined..
Their dressing sense,
their way of talking,
always having earphones strucked to their ears..
They always want to look smart..
But they look arrogant..
The word decency has vanished here,
we always hear that India has great culture,
but i ask what is the culture of the capital??
Modernization, industrialization, globalization..
Whoa...
These words describe the developing world...
Don't be so modernized that you leave your values...
Your culture behind.
Girls here..
I think most of the girls living here have the boyfriends..
I don't have objection about it..
But only they care about is fuck..
And same are the boys here too..
The morals have no value here..
Before marriage i think no one is virgin here..
And the divorce cases,
most of them are love marriages..
In a city like this i don't dare to be a parent here..
How could a child here would grow up...??
In this lustrous city life..
And if the parents cant afford the time he will be drowned...his life would be ruined..

I would not say his career would be destroyed because it could be possible that he is good at studies and has  a secure future.
I agree that i don't believe in friendship and relationship between the boy and a girl.
But its better to have a healthy relationship,
that means just to keep safe distance..
Boys of my age..
We cannot beat them..
Or hurt them
If they  commit a mistake but we have  to make them understand what they have done wrong..
And here is the fault lies.
This all the thing of attitude..
They show towards their parents..
They definitely listen but they don't agree to them and do not follow them..
I firmly believe that their parents should also change..
And give them some freedom and liberty..
But it doesn't mean they should leave them freely..
Just hang upon it..
A small baby enjoys most of his moments with his parents..
But when he grows up..
Somewhat after 13 he started hating them..
He started loving his friends and colleagues..
There is a effect of metro city.
This metro life...
What is the exact meaning i didn't know!
But the fact is that these kids when they grew up..
The problem starts here only.

Today i asked my friend how do you adjust there??
He said..
You couldn't understand..
I replied that in 2 days i have a experience what could your answer be..
This all craze of metro city is destroyed in just few hours of hardship..
We are losers here..
We are just the small city decent guys..
We could win here..
But our morals, our values would be drowned..
There is no word like "love" here..
Which people could use because they don't know the meaning of it..
They know the word "SEX" here..
They use it very well..
The worst thing is that..
Being a virgin is a kind of abuse here..
When you are living here you will be drowned in a never ending well...

Life..

We have such a pampered life by our parents. They earn, spend on me. Give me everything I need.
What about others? The other children. Do they have better  life?
Some of them have even better life than me.. But Do I deserve such kind of life??
I think I'm not the one. I don't know how the babies are put in the mothers womb. My mother loves me so much.. So much.. I just can't imagine her love.
But who am I... I should not be given so much love!!
I just dream that...that the amount of love could be distributed to others who need it..
Who are in need of love.. they are the ones who deserve this love and affection and everything.. I'm not the one.. may be GOD(I really don't know whether he exists or not) should not have chosen me..for this life.
But I  thank him for giving me so much.. Seriously GOD " THANK YOU!!"...
"THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU HAVE GIVEN ME... I DON'T NEED ANYTHING MORE FROM YOU"
Just one thing..Share my love with everyone from tree to single celled organisms.. from social animals to hypocrite/wild animals/humans to social animals.......
and just give little bit of extra love to specially abled ones... they are the ones who need love..they deserve it. May be I'm not the one..

Who am I??

Why I am here on this place called EARTH??

Whats the purpose of my life??

By writing this words I'm just spitting out my thoughts..
someone said "thoughts become things"

Its such a BIG LIE...

If my thoughts become reality...each and everyone living in this universe... will never want to DIE..
HE or SHE will only want to live on this universe forever..
I guarantee that "THIS WHOLE UNIVERSE, THIS PLACE WHERE YOU ARE LIVING RIGHT NOW...WILL BE THE BEST PLACE IN THE WHOLE UNIVERSE.. THE PLACE YOU NEVER WANT TO LEAVE.. MUCH BETTER THAN HEAVEN.. I GUARANTEE YOU"

But my thoughts are just thoughts.. I just "DREAM ABOUT MY DREAM"... I don't know when they will come into picture...when they will be real.. I really don't know..

Now that is Life...
full of thoughts.. just a blur picture of HOPE..
HOPE...

Lija-4-ever

Yesterday, I watched the movie Lillya-4-ever, its one of the best movie I have seen so far. I like that movie. My friend suggested me that movie. And today he asked me a question about it.
I could not find the answer to that question. The question was simple as such. What would a 16 year old school girl will do if she is left alone?
Lonely in this cruel world. The movie is the answer. To sit in front of laptop and write this post is simple. To be there in that place, its hard to describe. It was the most depressing I have ever watched. The message was simple. The worst truth I have ever known is that most of the life outside my pampered world is like that. I have never known that. But I fear to face it also, I want to help those girls who are facing it.She only needed one good person in her life, only one nice person.
I couldn't understand.